Managed Expectations for a Happy Mind
My dad, who isn’t the best gift-giver, came up with the idea to buy Nutcracker ballet tickets for wife, mom, and sister’s birthdays.
It was a Sunday afternoon in December, so as our two toddler daughters napped before the show, I watched football, NFL Red Zone. This is where my first expectation setting started.
Last year, before my 2021 deep dive into Stoicism, I would have been preoccupied while watching football. My mind would have served up complaints about going to the ballet. Why did it have to be on a Sunday? Who thought a two-hour show with toddlers was a good idea? Is there any way to avoid a toddler meltdown and a frustrating evening?
My favorite Stoic philosopher is Seneca. In his writings of Dialogues Part II he says “What we are seeking, then, is how the mind always pursue a steady, unruffled course, maybe pleased with itself, and look with pleasure upon its surroundings, and experience no interruption of this joy, but abide in a peaceful condition without being ever either elated or depressed.”
Although I didn’t consciously think of this quote, I lived it with my output. I enjoyed watching the Red Zone and didn’t let my thoughts wander without guards. I focused on the moment and my experience. I dipped into the future intentionally and only to set the possibilities scenarios and responses I would have. Knowing that anger is hardest to control when it is unexpected, I thought through the events possibilities and pre-defined my response:
- If 2-year-old cries -> Take her to the back lobby.
- If feelings of stress arise -> Don’t worry it is a challenging situation, and you are doing your best
- If a toddler annoys another guest -> Who knows what stress they are dealing with
This unrestless mind that I nurtured in the moment and had been practicing for months has additional side benefits aside from the tranquility of watching life unfold. This additional benefit is the clarity of experience that becomes available when your mind is not wandering.
It’s as if you get to step back and view your experience from above. As if you are the cameraman filming your life. With this vantage point, you observe things differently. I wasn’t in the first-person experience of watching the play. I was in the audience watching me watch the play.
From this perspective, I saw how deeply-engrained and basic expectation settings are through my two-year-old daughter. What brought her joy was the ability to participate in the unspoken expectations of the ballet experience. She felt important because she knew precisely how to act and engage with the hundreds of people in the audience. This experience was so simple that it would be easy to overlook or pay minimal value, but you can see the deeper meaning in things with a still mind.
What she enjoyed the most was clapping. She recognized the end of a dance or the slowing of the music and knew when to clap. Once, she even had the first clap in the audience. She was beaming with her claps as she knew everyone around her was doing the same. She knew what to expect, and things were paying out exactly as expected. More important than the talented dancing or upbeat music for my daughter was the opportunity to interact with people in a scheduled fashion. She felt important because she knew what to expect.
Expectation setting is a powerful force in human nature. Although I have used it with success for many years, I never understood how deeply rooted the emotion was until I saw it through my daughter.
Whether you are a high school teacher or pitching a project to the board of directors, setting expectations is the fundamental starting block to derive success. It sets the playground rules, lets everyone know what to expect, and allows everyone to step back in the cameraman’s vantage point and observe how things unfold.
